Sharing my story: Growing up in the US & Canada as a mixed race female
I spent 10 years of my childhood growing up in Alpharetta, GA. My brother and I we were followed, teased and bullied by other children who told us that we should wear bags over our heads, I was called a hoodlum and threatened by a teacher after wearing my hair in braids, I was constantly judged for being Asian while at the same time judged for not being Asian enough, when filling out my green card paperwork the staff flagged my application and debated whether I looked more Asian or white because I could not identify as more than one ethnicity on the form, etc.
These experiences did not stop after moving to Canada, but instead became layered with fetishization, sexualization and misogyny as I grew into maturity. Men expected me to either be a silent, agreeable doll or an exotic sexual temptress, both of which they could treat like their property. I’ve been told as a woman that being quiet, submissive, constantly giving and prioritizing others needs over your own is what makes a good partner, daughter, employee, Chinese female, etc. This combined with a lack of self worth had caused me to become even more traumatized by unknowingly seeking toxic relationships with unsupportive partners who had discriminatory families.
I found out I was being kept as a secret from my first boyfriend’s family when I was forced to hide in an upstairs bathroom because his racist uncle made a surprise visit, My second boyfriend invited me to his family’s neighbourhood party where I was constantly being referred to as Mima — the name of the only other Asian female present (I had short brown hair and she was a tall long black haired Japanese woman)- and after being told “you all look alike” when I chose to correct one of his neighbours my partner proceeded to defend the man when I was hurt and shifted the focus onto himself and how challenging it was for him to stand up for me because it put him in an uncomfortable position, etc. I thought that this is what I should expect in any relationship as I had not experienced an interracial pairing that was able to avoid resistance and prejudice.
The normalization of Asian and female stereotypes and lack of consequences for inappropriate male behaviour led to me being constantly sexual harassed, followed and then verbally assaulted and called a bitch/chink when their advances were objected. This became so prevalent that I learned self-defense and safety strategies for going out on my own, I had to enlist support from local bus drivers and the front door staff at my condo when men tried to follow me home, I cut my hair short and adapted how I presented myself for years in an attempt to reduce unwanted negative attention and mistreatment.
Women are sold the notion that one’s proximity to sexual femininity, prettiness, thinness, ableness and whiteness are associated with that of higher value, safety and privilege. By the flip side of that coin, I subconsciously learned to reject Chinese culture and therefore feel shame and embarrassment towards that part of myself and other Asians in my community. I developed body insecurities, fatphobia, bulimia, chronic anxiety, and suffered from a significant lack of self confidence and self-love. Growing up being told that you’re ugly, unvalued, unprotected and unsafe simply because of how you present ethnically and then being sexualized and fetishized for the same reason creates a paradox that you can’t win.
As a person whose great-grandfather and great-great grandfather immigrated from China to work on the TransCanada railroad, I’ve seen how our community has been sold a model minority script and how that’s effected my family through the generations. The idea of a model minority holds East Asians as a false example of proof for all other non-white presenting immigrants that if you work incredibly hard, stay silent against oppression, and endure unjust and unsafe work conditions you too can be successful and subject to the same protection and privileges of your white counterparts. This is not only incredibly false, but it pegs minorities against each other and draws our focus away from the real issue of systemic racism and discrimination. It teaches us to diminish our voices, aligns a person’s value with success, wealth, achievement, and submission all while casting a shadow onto those in our communities that are most vulnerable. Growing up being fed this narrative made me feel like if I was anything but perfect, agreeable, high-achieving, and financially successful I was a failure and would be unsafe. The stress and fear of not meeting those standards manifested into perfectionism, self hate, chronic mental and physical illness, the dampening of my intuitive, authentic self and negatively impacted my professional career.
I was working and studying in the UK for almost 4 years as an Athletic Therapist in Performing Arts Medicine, however following Brexit I knew I had to consider other options. I looked towards the states to expand my career, became a Certified Athletic Trainer (my US job equivalent) and started to network and arrange interviews. There had already been a rise of hate crimes and charged discriminatory language in the lead up to Trump’s 2016 election that made me scared to return to the states. I tried to convince myself that if I stuck to progressive states with a large entertainment hub that It would be enough to feel safe. I was in complete internal conflict and the idea of moving back was bringing up old wounds. I felt like I had to choose between furthering my career or prioritizing my safety and mental health and I in no way envisioned a possibility where I could knowingly choose to subject myself to that level of racism and distress again. I was embarrassed and felt like a failure for letting my fears of intolerance continue to be a priority in my decisions as an adult and instead convinced myself that if I wasn’t strong enough and gave up my green card shortly after that.
It has taken continuous effort, education and therapy over my lifetime to unlearn and unpack these experiences. I have only recently learned to live a life of self-compassion and self love, to be myself unapologetically even in the midst of uncertainty and empowered to take up space and create opportunities that I deserve.
Sharing my story is a part of that process for me. I have learned that staying silent and not talking about the realities of these issues is what allows them to continue and can lead to a build up of anger and resentment. I for one am tired of living a life determined by others, fueled by the pressures to conform to a diminishing sexist narrative, dictated by fear and systemic racism.
Everyday we chose to live in our true light, see our value and treat ourselves and others with respect, we move closer to a world where we can unite in love and find common ground amongst our differences.
For those of you that have been affected by these acts of hate or have been made to feel othered in any way, I just wanted to say that you’re not alone.
Your feelings are VALID. You are POWERFUL. You are VALUED. You are LOVED ❤
